Don’t Call David Ortiz’s Assassination Planner a "Mastermind"
I read an ESPN report on the David Ortiz shooting
First off, they weren’t targeting Ortiz:
Former Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz was shot in the back by a gunman who mistook him for the real target, another man who was seated at the same table at an outdoor cafe, Dominican officials said Wednesday.
That’s a real bummer. You at least want to be the target if you’re gonna get shot.
The Dominican Republic’s attorney general and the national police director told reporters that the attempted murder was ordered from the United States by Victor Hugo Gomez, an associate of Mexico’s Gulf Cartel.
Okay, this sounds bad. You never want to be marked by a cartel. But remember, Ortiz wasn’t marked. When I first told the Farmer’s Wife about the mistaken identity, she said "who could be mistaken for David Ortiz?"
He’s a pretty distinct looking guy, at a listed 6’3" and 230 (aside: if he’s 230, I’m a Dominican Republic native—and I’m really a white guy who grew up near Boston). It turns out the mistaken identity was because of a fashion choice: he wore white pants on the fateful night of the shooting. You know who else dresses in white? Most freezers.
…the case of mistaken identity began when one of the accomplices snapped a blurry photo of Fernandez seated at the Dial Bar and Lounge in an upscale section of Santo Domingo. In the photo, a white freezer obscures Fernandez’s lower body. … Ortiz was wearing white pants on the night of the shooting and the law-enforcement official said that the gunman, Rolfy Ferreyra, mistook him for the target and fired.
You always want to find your assassination target using a blurry photo of a freezer. What could go wrong? That’s where the incompetence begins, but not where it ends:
Ferreyra is a skinny, tattooed 25-year-old whom U.S. prosecutors said is wanted on armed robbery and gun charges in New Jersey. His driver was captured immediately after the shooting when he fell off the motorcycle he was trying to use to escape. Ferreyra and the other suspects were captured over the next few days.
Wow, a real Evel Knievel. So they got the gunman’s driver because, basically, he can’t drive.
One of the suspects buried the gun in their Mother’s garden. She turned it over to police.
So we can see that these guys weren’t geniuses. But they do like nicknames. There was a man nicknamed "Bone" (please don’t explain that one, I don’t want to know), and one woman nicknamed both "The Venezualean" and "Red" (you can never have too many nicknames).
Sorry Papi, that your life is very different now, but since you’re alive, please allow us to mock these bums (likely Yankees fans, the lot of them).